My name is Anima, which means soul in latin
I won't call myself an average person, many times people reiterate that I'm crazy or weird, but in an humorous way.
Mainly interested in japanese media, Who isn't on this website? Anime, Mangas, Video Games, Light Novels and Visual Novels is what I interact the most.
Computers too? Programming, technology in general, a full fledged discover of shiny things. Whatever that means
I need to put some things together, I can't just work, come home, do nothing, and repeat, there needs to be change, but how? I will dive into my mind, am I truly smart? Then why am I in this situation? There could be a thousand explanations or things to blame, deep down I know that nothing will change if I don't try to. Being an observer has come far too long now, it's time to act, to be something, to achieve something, does not matter if its small or big, there is need to action, Anima, my soul....
First of all, what is it that I truly desire? I'm often afraid to ask that to myself, because my Soul knows what is it, maybe something banal, something virtuous, what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it? what is it?
I really try not to get emotional on these matters, my heart is mundane, my mind is not fully mundane, my Soul aches for highness, for God. I'm too ashamed to confess my sins, I don't even know how to, I've done so much degeneracy, but compared to what I've saw on the internet, seems kind of small, still... I acknowledge that, this shame comes from demonic inspiration, I'm probably going through possession, or maybe all of my behaviour can be explained with psychology or whatever the fuck mind study thingys mankind has developed on these questions.
Since I'm not strong enough to fight my vices head-on, I shall seek help from God, but then what? I know that my top priority on this earth is to love God above all things, what does that mean? There it is, I've found something to dwell upon to.
Writing this, I somehow feel irreverent with my Lord, should I really write this way? He understands me more than I do, shall not worry.
This is really comforting, writing... I'm speaking with myself, the one and only I understand somehow, there is no facades here, I'm trying to be really honest with myself, my feelings tell me that, my heart?
Often, I feel an immeasurable pressure in my chest, something REALLY wants to come out, SOMETHING REALLY WANTS TO COME OUT AND WHEN I TALK ABOUT IT, I GET REALLY EXCITED FOR SOME REASON WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY, I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL TOO, TEARY EYED, WOW.
Mostly I control this pressure by just taking a deep breath, but still, it beacons my mind into curiosity.
Writing is really unrolling my thoughts, I believe that no one understands me and no one will, because I don't want to, I feel threatened by that, but why? I judge that, 99% of the people I've met can't really help me, help with what? Why do these things come to my mind if there is no immediate answer to them? A lot of questions run through my mind, writing these thoughts feel very therapeutic, I'm being calmed down.
As I was saying, I feel threatened by someone understanding me because, deep down, I just want to be loved, in a real true manner, a hundred per cent legitimate love, not eros, or whatever the fuck (this expression again) Hollywood or Animesque love style, I'm talking about someone to die for, like our Lord did, sacrifice! I want to live something real, there are so many layers of protection to my true self (Who is my true self? Someone immoral or cruel that does not care about anything? Or really emotional care-about-all person?) that often my personality changes, and it really bothers me that I just can't be authentic with anyone at all, fuck. (I don't like swearing but this word really punctuates what I'm trying to convey)